Actualdavid

I still remember
The way it felt that night
And when I close my eyes
I see you in my mind
And I still remember
The way it felt that night
To have you in my sight

Today I got into my second hit and run. While I was leaving the Safeway parking lot someone in a Prius decided to back into my car. After they hit me they drove off rather suddenly. I was a little taken aback by the incident because I would have thought that a Prius owner would have the decency to at least stop and give me a twenty spot or something. I think Mother Nature may still have it out for me. Either that or Al Gore may be finally taking his revenge on me. I didn’t get a look at the driver and for all I know it may have been him. 

                Over the course of this past month I have spent a great deal of time trying to process what has been happening in my life since graduation. In the past three months I have started a new job, moved into a new place, watched helplessly as the school I just graduated from closed without legitimate cause, and struggled with finding out who and what I am supposed to be. I spent the first two months engrossed with work and the calm after the storm of graduation. I didn’t take the time to process what was going on inside of me. Moving on from one part of life into another is hard enough but the added fact of knowing that everything that I had built in the past four years at college no longer existed at all was weighing on me heavily.

                So, during  the past month, I have had to start doing what I can only describe as soul searching. In this process I’ve decided that I need to move back home to Reno. With Bethany closing I’ve discovered that there really isn’t anything left to hold me to this place. Not to say that I don’t have friends left in the area but they are few and far between. Regardless of having people here, when the school closed I think I lost part of what I thought I was. I ran away from my life when I left Reno to come to college and I spent four years trying to build a new life. With the school closing part of me fears that everything I worked so hard to create was for nothing. However, part of me also knows that this is not true.

                Bethany granted me a great deal of good friends, many of which I hope that I am able to stay friends with despite both distance and time apart. However, to be honest I feel alone within my own life lately. I think I may have forgotten who I am, or at least who I thought I was. It is an odd feeling to not know what you have hidden from those around you because you’ve also hidden it from yourself. That being said I’ve come to a point where I think I just need to take a step back and try and either remember who I am or find out for the first time.

                I’ve spent a great deal of my life cut off from those around me. I’ve spent the majority of my life regretting things that I wish I would have done and making excuses why I didn’t do them. To be honest though it all came down to the fact that I was too afraid of someone knowing what I was thinking or feeling to say anything. The fear of them seeing what I am and feeling rejected kept me from really living, or having many relationships with any real significance.  Today I took the first step into working on that. I gave someone something that showed exactly how I felt about them. I am almost certain that it will end horribly and that I will regret doing it and wish I would have simply kept it all to myself.  However, from now on I think I would rather regret things that I have done rather than things I wish I had done.

                I’m moving home to prepare myself to be able to achieve my goals and dreams. First I think I will need to rediscover what those are and the reasons why they are even important. I have been struggling with whether or not moving back to Reno was the right choice for the majority of this month and to be honest I still don’t know if it is. What I do know is that I’m doing it. Life wasn’t meant to be lived in measures. It was simply meant to be lived. It’s taken me a long time to realize that and I would be lying if I said that it would not take a longer time still to truly start living that way. 

I feel like I always hear about women talking about how men should treat women and men often talk about how women should treat men. However, I find it ironic that you very rarely hear a woman talk about how women should treat men or a man talking about how men should treat women. Perhaps if everyone spent more time worrying about how they treated other people other people might do the same for them.

I’ve learned in my life that women have an irrational love of swings.

Christianity would be great if it wasn’t for all the Christians.

Finding a hair is never a good thing.

My favorite combination of curse words has to be bitch ass. It’s just so ambiguously descriptive and flows off the tongue with ease.

It’s hard for me to accept that Bethany is closing down. To be honest I haven’t accepted it. I spent four years at Bethany and at every turn there was a risk of the place closing. The closest thing I can compare that school to is The Duke’s of Harzard. No matter how much trouble the school got in, No matter the WASC people coming in threatening to take away our status as a legitimate university, or a fire that burned the cafe, Bethany seemed to come out ok. It was like no matter what happened we somehow managed to jump the General Lee over it and drive off into the sunset. Maybe I’m in denial but I think the old girl still has one last ride left in her to get through this. I’m going to the school on Friday to see what the plan of action is. I know I can’t be the only one who hasn’t given up yet.

The hardest part about having all the answers is not knowing the questions.

Gay people getting married doesn’t effect my life at all.

and let’s get real. If they weren’t getting into heaven before hand it’s not like God is gonna open up the pearly gates because they got married.