on a serious note
Over the course of this past month I have spent a great deal of time trying to process what has been happening in my life since graduation. In the past three months I have started a new job, moved into a new place, watched helplessly as the school I just graduated from closed without legitimate cause, and struggled with finding out who and what I am supposed to be. I spent the first two months engrossed with work and the calm after the storm of graduation. I didn’t take the time to process what was going on inside of me. Moving on from one part of life into another is hard enough but the added fact of knowing that everything that I had built in the past four years at college no longer existed at all was weighing on me heavily.
So, during the past month, I have had to start doing what I can only describe as soul searching. In this process I’ve decided that I need to move back home to Reno. With Bethany closing I’ve discovered that there really isn’t anything left to hold me to this place. Not to say that I don’t have friends left in the area but they are few and far between. Regardless of having people here, when the school closed I think I lost part of what I thought I was. I ran away from my life when I left Reno to come to college and I spent four years trying to build a new life. With the school closing part of me fears that everything I worked so hard to create was for nothing. However, part of me also knows that this is not true.
Bethany granted me a great deal of good friends, many of which I hope that I am able to stay friends with despite both distance and time apart. However, to be honest I feel alone within my own life lately. I think I may have forgotten who I am, or at least who I thought I was. It is an odd feeling to not know what you have hidden from those around you because you’ve also hidden it from yourself. That being said I’ve come to a point where I think I just need to take a step back and try and either remember who I am or find out for the first time.
I’ve spent a great deal of my life cut off from those around me. I’ve spent the majority of my life regretting things that I wish I would have done and making excuses why I didn’t do them. To be honest though it all came down to the fact that I was too afraid of someone knowing what I was thinking or feeling to say anything. The fear of them seeing what I am and feeling rejected kept me from really living, or having many relationships with any real significance. Today I took the first step into working on that. I gave someone something that showed exactly how I felt about them. I am almost certain that it will end horribly and that I will regret doing it and wish I would have simply kept it all to myself. However, from now on I think I would rather regret things that I have done rather than things I wish I had done.
I’m moving home to prepare myself to be able to achieve my goals and dreams. First I think I will need to rediscover what those are and the reasons why they are even important. I have been struggling with whether or not moving back to Reno was the right choice for the majority of this month and to be honest I still don’t know if it is. What I do know is that I’m doing it. Life wasn’t meant to be lived in measures. It was simply meant to be lived. It’s taken me a long time to realize that and I would be lying if I said that it would not take a longer time still to truly start living that way.
